A lot of the requests we get for mail involve kids who are being bullied at school. It seems that a lot of the kids being bullied are kids with "invisible" special needs... kids who are able to attend mainstream classes independently, but who may have more difficulty with things like social skills.
If a kid with Down syndrome, or a kid who uses a wheelchair, is part of a regular education class, teachers will frequently go out of their way to make sure that student feels safe and included. At the school where I work, there is a girl with CP who uses a wheelchair, and her classmates fall all over each other to get the chance to play with her or help her out.
But if a kid has a less obvious special need... a condition that, for instance, causes them to have difficulty with social skills or to behave in ways that seem odd, although they look just like all the other kids... that child won't always be given the same degree of protection. Because of confidentiality rules, teachers cannot tell the students, "Look, Steven has autism. He is very smart, but the part of his brain that controls his language skills doesn't always work the way ours do, and that is why it can sometimes be hard to understand what he is saying, and why he may have trouble understanding you." All the other students know is that Steven is different... and in their young minds, they interpret that as "Steven is weird, Steven is strange, Steven is weak." This can put the student with the "invisible disability" in a situation where he is bullied. Since kids with these particular needs have trouble with social skills, they are even less prepared than their typical peers to deal with bullies.
Day after day, kids are going to school, and coming home with broken hearts and broken spirits... only to be sent back to the same situation the next day.
So what do we do for a kid who is being bullied at school? As a parent, you may be able to go into the school and demand changes, such as better supervision and more support for the child. Some frustrated parents even end up pulling their kids out of school, when they are unable to get results from the powers that be.
But what can you tell a kid, in the here-and-now, to help him be better prepared to face the bullies? Kidshealth.org has a few tips that I thought were helpful. Here are a few of their tips, for us to share with kids.
If you are a parent, or an adult who works with kids, you can help kids practice these tactics until they are second nature. Help them to have a plan for what they will do when confronted by a bully, and which helpful adult they will go to afterwards.
My own advice? Help the child get involved in an activity where they will be more likely to meet friends. For a lot of kids school is the ONE place they go to on a regular basis where they interact with peers, and if they are rejected by those peers, it is a huge deal .It can really effect their self-esteem, even as they become adults. Find something unrelated to school. A club at the Youth Center or park district, a sport, an afterschool program, a church group, Scouts, Indian Guides, Campfire USA, a summercamp, etc. When your child has the opportunity to make friends outside of school, it helps him to build confidence and to keep from feeling like he deserves to be bullied.
If a kid with Down syndrome, or a kid who uses a wheelchair, is part of a regular education class, teachers will frequently go out of their way to make sure that student feels safe and included. At the school where I work, there is a girl with CP who uses a wheelchair, and her classmates fall all over each other to get the chance to play with her or help her out.
But if a kid has a less obvious special need... a condition that, for instance, causes them to have difficulty with social skills or to behave in ways that seem odd, although they look just like all the other kids... that child won't always be given the same degree of protection. Because of confidentiality rules, teachers cannot tell the students, "Look, Steven has autism. He is very smart, but the part of his brain that controls his language skills doesn't always work the way ours do, and that is why it can sometimes be hard to understand what he is saying, and why he may have trouble understanding you." All the other students know is that Steven is different... and in their young minds, they interpret that as "Steven is weird, Steven is strange, Steven is weak." This can put the student with the "invisible disability" in a situation where he is bullied. Since kids with these particular needs have trouble with social skills, they are even less prepared than their typical peers to deal with bullies.
Day after day, kids are going to school, and coming home with broken hearts and broken spirits... only to be sent back to the same situation the next day.
So what do we do for a kid who is being bullied at school? As a parent, you may be able to go into the school and demand changes, such as better supervision and more support for the child. Some frustrated parents even end up pulling their kids out of school, when they are unable to get results from the powers that be.
But what can you tell a kid, in the here-and-now, to help him be better prepared to face the bullies? Kidshealth.org has a few tips that I thought were helpful. Here are a few of their tips, for us to share with kids.
- Stand tall and be brave. Practice looking and sounding confident. Bullies will often look for someone who they think will be afraid of them. If you act like you are not bothered by them... even if, inside, you are afraid... they might stay away from you.
- Don't show the bullies your feelings. Don't let them see you getting upset. They want to upset you. So yeling, crying, arguing, physically fighting, or other reactions will just fuel the fire. Plan ahead of time for what you will do to keep yourself calm, such as counting to 100 in your head, saying the alphabet backwards, picturing your favorite superhero, etc. Give the bullies ZERO reaction. When you are somewhere safe, such as at home or in the counselor's office, you can let your feelings out. (Note from me: It is not healthy to hide your feelings forever! Remember, you are just hiding your feelings from the bullies. But don't be embarrassed about feeling scared, sad or angry. It is good to talk about these feelings with someone, once you are away from the mean kids.)
- Tell an adult. Bullying is not okay. Nobody is allowed to make you feel unsafe or disrespected at school. You could tell your parents, counselor, teacher, principal, or any other adult that you trust.
If you are a parent, or an adult who works with kids, you can help kids practice these tactics until they are second nature. Help them to have a plan for what they will do when confronted by a bully, and which helpful adult they will go to afterwards.
My own advice? Help the child get involved in an activity where they will be more likely to meet friends. For a lot of kids school is the ONE place they go to on a regular basis where they interact with peers, and if they are rejected by those peers, it is a huge deal .It can really effect their self-esteem, even as they become adults. Find something unrelated to school. A club at the Youth Center or park district, a sport, an afterschool program, a church group, Scouts, Indian Guides, Campfire USA, a summercamp, etc. When your child has the opportunity to make friends outside of school, it helps him to build confidence and to keep from feeling like he deserves to be bullied.